‘God gives us what we need in time’

I started this blog 3 months ago because I was really struggling to deal with all the mixed emotions of trying to conceive my first baby. There are so many ups and downs on this journey; the initial excitement and exhilaration of knowing as a couple you have decided to bring another life into the world. The fun and laughter of trying to keep your sex life fun and spontaneous as well as highly frequent! The sadness and disappointment of getting your period, and even at times the desperation and sheer anxiety of wondering if it will happen for us and what if there is something wrong with one of us, what if we have to have IVF or adopt? There are so many ‘what if’s’ when you are TTC! After 10 long months of disappointment I’d completely forgotten the possibility of ‘what if this month is my month’. 10 months might not sound very long but I can honestly say when you want to be a Mum so bad and its just not happening, you feel out of control and you are consumed with all these mixed feelings, every month may as well be a whole year in itself!  

I found a lovely quote on Instagram that really struck a chord with me. It read ‘God gives us what we need in time’.  I am by no means a devout Christian but I do believe in ‘God’ or whatever people call it for themselves. I truly believe things happen for a reason and I decided to make my peace with the situation. I told myself that one day, some day, some how I would be a Mum by whatever means when the time was right. I had made an appointment for the 12 month mark to see a Doctor (In the UK they will only consider fertility issues after a solid 12 months of trying) and I decided to just get on with my life.  I stopped worrying about all the ‘what if’s’ and lived each day for what it was. 

Last month I had my 26th birthday and I decided I wanted to have a big family and friends get together. I wanted to focus on all the amazing relationships I already have in my life that make me happy. It wasn’t a particularly special birthday but I felt like a deserved a good one! I had a fantastic afternoon sitting in the marina at a lovely restaurant with 20 of my friends and family in the sunshine laughing and loving life. I am always thankful and grateful for all that I already have in my life. Amazing love and support from a wonderful family and fantastic and loyal friends. A loving, caring and attentive Husband who loves every part of me just the way I am. I enjoyed a few drinks and it was so nice to feel like I was enjoying my life again!  

Later that evening we went out again with some of my Husbands friends. I suddenly came down really ill and was sick and sleepy. There were a few jokes from his mates along the lines of ‘oohhhh she’s preggers!’ which we both quickly dismissed! Not happening! Not possible! We’d hardly even bothered this month as we’d basically given up! I thought maybe I had a bit of sun stroke. The next morning however I woke at 6am and I still felt horrific! The sickness and nausea was like the kind I’ve only experienced when I have had about 2 bottles of wine not 2 glasses! I remembered I had a Pregnancy test in the cupboard and thought ‘oh what the hell, lets just rule it out’.   Well you know what I’m going to say… I quite honestly nearly fell off the toilet when I saw the test say ‘Pregnant 2-3 weeks’!!!!!! Yep, It’s finally my time, it’s happened! 

I wish I’d said something a little more graceful now in hind sight but in truth I ran completely naked into the bedroom, and shouted at my fast asleep husband ‘OMFG wake up I’m F******* pregnant!’ (Disgusting I know, not the way you dream of telling your partner you’re pregnant! I still cringe!) His response was ‘Shut up, you’re not?!’ and I shoved the test in his face demanding he look at it! Then I burst into tears of confusion and panic!  It’s been another whirlwind of worry and excitement since then which I will write about in my next post. 

So to conclude, yes I am delighted now to announce that on my 11th cycle of TTC it finally happened and I am officially pregnant! I wholeheartedly believed I would be writing many more posts about my disappointment and frustration of negative months when I started this blog but now it really has happened. I don’t know why it took us as long as it did but I really do believe that God gives us what we need in time. Maybe all the people who say relax and it will happen (annoying as they are!) really were right?! I stopped thinking about it, I gave up, I made peace with the situation, and low and behold maybe when the time was just right I got what I needed!

Mother Nature – A Cruel Joke

Last month left me confused and emotionally drained. I felt like I had begun to chill out about the whole thing and had accepted it is obviously going to take me longer to conceive and I was ok with it. Then I had the weird late period/possible very early days miscarriage and suddenly I was an emotional wreck! I cried so much not because I really felt like I’d lost anything but just out of sheer frustration and being totally fed up with the whole situation. I really can be quite a stubborn person at time and this is getting so tiring just trying trying trying and nothing ever happening, I am getting back to a point where I feel like I don’t want to try any more. I don’t want to think about it any more, sometimes Its just too overwhelming and if I cant have a baby then maybe I’ll just take back control and decide not to have one.  Ultimately I can’t go through with that though, the thoughts run through my mind what if I took a break from TTC but then that could have been my month?

This month I didn’t use any kits/charting, I just decided to get on with it when I felt like it. I made sure we did it frequently but I just did it as and when I felt in the mood without stressing over my calendar. It felt good and I hardly looked at my calendar this month. I began to convince myself more and more that I wasn’t ready yet anyway. I convinced myself I had other things to get on with and a baby could wait anyway. I threw myself into my job (Teaching). I applied and got an interview for an additional role with my local Teaching Alliance as a Specialist Leader in Education and was successful! I also applied to move onto the upper pay scale this month carefully putting together an evidence portfolio. I joined up to a 90 day fitness and eating challenge and I’ve lost 6lbs in 3 weeks! I’ve upped my gym routine pushing myself harder and training 5 instead of 3 times a week. I did everything I could to shift my focus.

I realised last week that my period was due but I didn’t give it too much thought. The days ticked by and my period never came. So now I’m thinking…wait a minute! Maybe it worked! I’ve been inundated with ‘helpful advice’ about how it will happen when you stop trying and just don’t think about it and it will happen (and to be honest never really found that much comfort!) but now I’m thinking WOW I’m actually a few days late maybe it actually worked. I didn’t want to tempt fate so I didn’t rush out to POAS (Pee on a stick!). I just kept it in the back of my mind. Yesterday I checked my calendar and realised I was 6 days late! 

I remembered I had a Pregnancy Test in the cupboard and decided to give it ago. My husband wasn’t home but I felt like I knew it would say negative they always do anyway. I’d just got in from work so it wasn’t my first morning urine like they say is best but being 6 days late I thought surely if I am it will just say whenever I do it by now. So I did the test then jumped in the showed to freshen up and pass the 3 minute wait. On getting out of the shower I pick up the test and low and behold there is a faint SECOND LINE!!!!! 

I start shaking, I think I actually said out loud ‘Oh my God I’m actually pregnant!’ I run to get my phone whilst still staring at the test and rang Mr B (the Husband) I explain to him what’s happened and I can hear he is shocked but over the moon! Then after 5 mins of chatting about it I say ‘Wait its fading away. The second line its fading really quickly. I can’t see it any more.’  What the hell just happened?! Now I’m confused, it doesn’t say anything about this in the instructions! In my head I’m saying to myself it doesn’t matter – it was positive and I am 6 days late and on top of that I didn’t have any symptoms that made me feel like I was going to get my period -so it all adds up to being pregnant. None-the-less I begin to feel sceptical. Mr B says not to worry, we will get another test, a proper clear blue digital and do it again in the morning. I can hear he’s still super excited and not phased at all. I on the other hand am getting all too used to the disappointment and my heart is already sinking.

I ring my Mum next and explain what has happened. She thinks it all adds up to being pregnant too but says a new test in the morning will confirm for sure. So I walk to the shops to get a test ready for the next day. Clear Blue Digital is not cheap nearly £16 for 2 but on this occasion its worth it! However this is how Mother Nature is CRUEL!!

I’m walking home from the shop trying to keep calm, trying not to get my hopes up but actually I’m already picturing my baby, being a Mum and Dad, thinking of names, mentally decorating the nursery…then I feel something…I’m wet down there something is happening. I rush home and get to the toilet and wipe and there is a little bit of blood. I don’t want to believe it, I’m doing everything I can to convince myself its still OK. I’m Googling it (standard!). ‘A little bit of spotting is very common in early pregnancy especially around the time your period would have been due’.   Now I know its one of my last wee’s of the day (its about 9pm now) but I’m doing the new test anyway! I am willing it to say ‘Pregnant’ but 3 minutes later I get a crushing ‘Not Pregant’ 😦  

When you are trying for a baby, I have learnt you will go to extreme lengths to find evidence you are pregnant despite clear evidence you are not. I start mentally writing a list of evidence for and against. I Google the sensitivity of the Clear Blue Digital compared to the Asda one I got the brief positive on. I try to convince myself its now just negative because its not as sensitive and its my last wee of the day so it will probably pick it up in the morning. I go to bed and try not to think about it. The sooner the morning comes, the sooner I can do the second and my last test and confirm I am actually pregnant and we will all be laughing about this in months to come!

5AM I wake up in pain and BOOM! I’ve got my period. What a bloody surprise. Not. Now to be quite honest I’m just royally p****d off!

What the hell is going on here!? Why did the first test show a second line!? There was quite clearly a second line I know I wasn’t seeing things! Why on earth am I 6 days late!? Why on earth have I not had my usual pre menstrual symptoms?! Why? Why? Why?!!!!

I can’t even cry. I have no tears left after 10 months of this I have nothing left to cry about. I’ve been through this 10 times already, crying wont make me feel better.  I just have this irritating feeling, its almost laughable, this is just like some kind of sick joke. I can’t stop thinking about that second line. It was faint but it was there! I waited 3 minutes and there is was. I’ll never know now how or why that happened or why I was 6 days late.  All I do know is that every month is going to get a whole lot more expensive now if I want to test because I am only going to use digital no more line tests for me! 

If you are going to try for a baby, one thing you do need to know is that its expensive! I’ve so far spent money on:

Fertility calendar apps, Basal Body Temp Thermometer, Ovulation Prediction Kits, Pregnancy Tests, Pre-Conception Vitamins for Him and Her and fertility lubricant! None of this stuff is particularly cheap! and for me none of it is working! 

So what more can I say? Another month bites the dust and so it continues…

TTC Month 8 – An unusual month…

This month things got tough.

I was quite pleased with myself that I really hadn’t felt too upset or worried about it this month and felt that I had begun to accept that it’s just going to take us a bit longer than some other couples.

Last Monday I knew that AF was due and waited all day for the signs of her arrival but nothing. (Now comes the more gory bodily info stop reading if you really don’t want to know!)

After school I got home and went to the loo and and there was a small amount of blood, not like what I normally have but  I assumed AF had come, I used the necessary sanitary protection and carried on and took the dog for a walk. Whilst out walking the dog I had an accident. I got ‘attacked’ by a very large boisterous out of control dog that quite literally took my legs out whilst chasing my poor little doggy and knocked me clean over. I banged my head on the floor and when I came to a little I realised I had a serious injury to my knee – I was in agony. Not to go over the whole thing too much but needless to say I was very shaken up by the time I got home and it took me several hours to calm down and for the pain to subside.  Later that night when I went to bed I went to change my  sanitary protection but it was completely clean. I thought this was a bit weird but assumed I would come on properly over night. However over night and the whole of the next day I had nothing at all and no cramps or feelings like I was going to either. This made me 2 days late if you discount the small amount of blood on Monday.

Wednesday morning I woke up at 4am in a hell of a lot of pain and feeling very sick and dizzy. My pelvis and back was hurting so much it was making me quite short of breath and then I had the weird sensation of needing to ‘push’. I went to the loo expecting there to be loads of blood but still nothing. After 15 minutes of just sitting there I felt something slip out of me and then the pain subsided. That turned out to be 2 very large blot clots. Then I continued to feel sick and dizzy for the rest of the day and only had a very small amount of on and off bleeding for the next week. As everyone surely does I started Googling the symptoms and everything I read suggested a very early miscarriage. After speaking with Mum she suggested a Dr’s appointment to talk it over. The Dr confirmed it was definitely possible that is what had happened and could well have been related to the shock of the accident with the dog! Sodding brilliant! You can imagine how that made me feel! On the other hand it might not have been, could have just been a weird occurrence, no way to tell for sure.

Once this sunk in I became an emotional wreck. I talked things through with the Doctor who started talking about 3 more months of trying and then needing to come back with Mr B for tests etc etc. In my head I was thinking it was a good thing if I was briefly pregnant as maybe that means I can conceive but if that was the case then I was so flipping angry about the stupid dog. If I wasn’t pregnant however then that just confirms I still can’t conceive and I really don’t know which is worse. In all honestly this in the month that I realised this journey is just so damn hard and feels very very lonely and very scary when thinking about the future. It’s out of your control, out of your hands and no one knows what the outcomes are going to be at any stage in the journey and what the future holds. All you can do in hang on in there and keep on trying.

This month I needed the most emotional support but there is little that anyone can say or do to comfort you. Everybody says ‘relax it will happen don’t worry about it’ all this does is make me so bloody angry! I know they are my dearest friends and family but seriously what do they know about how it feels with their perfect children and getting pregnant just as soon as their partner looked at them! What can they say that will help me or give me the answers to my questions or help me to do the one thing I now know I want more than anything in the whole world – to be a Mum.

I know that 8 months in the grand scheme of things is not that long, I know there are plenty of women out there who are desperate to be amazing mothers and have been trying for years, but that doesn’t take anything away from the pain each woman TTC feels when she gets her period after another month of thankless trying. I needed something to focus on and pour my heart into when times are tough and also when times are good and so here I am creating my own emotional support mechanism. For anyone who ever reads this and is going through the same thing whether its been 1 month or several years I wish you all the luck and ‘baby dust’ in the world and I want you to know I do know a little of how it feels for you and we are all in this together xxx

 

A Summary of my TTC Journey so far…

Mr B and I always knew from day 1 we wanted to have a family together. We both have our own wonderful and crazy families that we grew up with and last year we decided the time was right for us to start one of our own. We had thought about it since the day we got engaged but with our sensible heads on we always had one reason or another why we should wait. We needed to be at a secure point with our finances. We needed to have reached a certain level in our careers. We needed the house to be the ‘perfect family home’. We got a dog to take our mind off the want for a baby. We needed to do a few more holidays etc etc all very selfish stuff!

But then…last September we decided – Sod it!- Lets just do it!

I can honestly say I was so nervous I felt sick from the very first unprotected rendez vous! I knew I wanted to be a Mum 100% but was this the right time? I was so nervous I had convinced myself I was definitely pregnant and I just had to get on with it anyway! From the minute your period starts as a girl you are told by all female family members, friends and educators that ‘It only takes 1 time’! So here I am believing that its a dead cert I am going to be pregnant for sure! However, Month 1, AF (Aunt flow) arrived and I couldn’t make up my mind if I was relieved or disappointed. At this point however I wasn’t giving it too much thought either way and so we carried on business as usual!

Month 2 and 3 we carried on feeling like we were living dangerously every time we ‘did the deed’ and each time AF arrived I think I slowly began to let the thought creep into my mind…’Hhmm they lied to me! It does not just take 1 time! Why hasn’t it happened yet? What’s wrong?’ However I was determined not to become one of those ‘Wannabe Mum’s’ who starts obsessing over ovulation dates and temperature charting and vitamin taking. I wanted to believe in the good old just don’t stress about it too much and it will happen for sure!

So Christmas came and as it is the season to be jolly we definitely upped our game and I felt for sure we had hit the nail on the head this time! I knew it was going to be just perfect. A baby conceived on Christmas day (in the morning to be precise!) I was totally relaxed, feeling good and enjoyed a perfect Christmas with our families my head full of the thought of the next Christmas when there would surely be a new addition to the family 🙂 *feeling dreamy*

Well as you can imagine that did NOT happen! So now after 4 months and no joy I decide I am 100% a ‘Wannabe Mum’ and I don’t care who bloody knows it! I declare to Mr B I want a Basal Body Thermometer, I need an Ovulation Prediction Kit, I stock up on pre-conception vitamins (3 for 2 in Boots!) and download a fertility calendar app and book about conception on my Kindle. We are both going to up our games with regards to frequency, timing, exercise and diet and we are damn well going to get this sorted out how hard can it be?!

Well that is how the next 3 months went. I believe that in a Pub quiz I may possibly now know more about fertility and the female monthly cycle than your average Doctor, I have successfully confirmed that I am very regular, I do ovulate and that we could not physically do the deed any more perfectly timed than if I actually had a visible body clock attached to my ovaries! Yet still all I have to show for it is one very lonely empty tummy! 😦

After all of this I decide there is no more I can do and I know enough, so we drop all the tests and charts and go back to just high frequency and trying fun ways to keep it light hearted and ‘normal’.  The next month things were a little different. Read on to my next post for the events of Month 8 of TTC.