I started this blog 3 months ago because I was really struggling to deal with all the mixed emotions of trying to conceive my first baby. There are so many ups and downs on this journey; the initial excitement and exhilaration of knowing as a couple you have decided to bring another life into the world. The fun and laughter of trying to keep your sex life fun and spontaneous as well as highly frequent! The sadness and disappointment of getting your period, and even at times the desperation and sheer anxiety of wondering if it will happen for us and what if there is something wrong with one of us, what if we have to have IVF or adopt? There are so many ‘what if’s’ when you are TTC! After 10 long months of disappointment I’d completely forgotten the possibility of ‘what if this month is my month’. 10 months might not sound very long but I can honestly say when you want to be a Mum so bad and its just not happening, you feel out of control and you are consumed with all these mixed feelings, every month may as well be a whole year in itself!
I found a lovely quote on Instagram that really struck a chord with me. It read ‘God gives us what we need in time’. I am by no means a devout Christian but I do believe in ‘God’ or whatever people call it for themselves. I truly believe things happen for a reason and I decided to make my peace with the situation. I told myself that one day, some day, some how I would be a Mum by whatever means when the time was right. I had made an appointment for the 12 month mark to see a Doctor (In the UK they will only consider fertility issues after a solid 12 months of trying) and I decided to just get on with my life. I stopped worrying about all the ‘what if’s’ and lived each day for what it was.
Last month I had my 26th birthday and I decided I wanted to have a big family and friends get together. I wanted to focus on all the amazing relationships I already have in my life that make me happy. It wasn’t a particularly special birthday but I felt like a deserved a good one! I had a fantastic afternoon sitting in the marina at a lovely restaurant with 20 of my friends and family in the sunshine laughing and loving life. I am always thankful and grateful for all that I already have in my life. Amazing love and support from a wonderful family and fantastic and loyal friends. A loving, caring and attentive Husband who loves every part of me just the way I am. I enjoyed a few drinks and it was so nice to feel like I was enjoying my life again!
Later that evening we went out again with some of my Husbands friends. I suddenly came down really ill and was sick and sleepy. There were a few jokes from his mates along the lines of ‘oohhhh she’s preggers!’ which we both quickly dismissed! Not happening! Not possible! We’d hardly even bothered this month as we’d basically given up! I thought maybe I had a bit of sun stroke. The next morning however I woke at 6am and I still felt horrific! The sickness and nausea was like the kind I’ve only experienced when I have had about 2 bottles of wine not 2 glasses! I remembered I had a Pregnancy test in the cupboard and thought ‘oh what the hell, lets just rule it out’. Well you know what I’m going to say… I quite honestly nearly fell off the toilet when I saw the test say ‘Pregnant 2-3 weeks’!!!!!! Yep, It’s finally my time, it’s happened!
I wish I’d said something a little more graceful now in hind sight but in truth I ran completely naked into the bedroom, and shouted at my fast asleep husband ‘OMFG wake up I’m F******* pregnant!’ (Disgusting I know, not the way you dream of telling your partner you’re pregnant! I still cringe!) His response was ‘Shut up, you’re not?!’ and I shoved the test in his face demanding he look at it! Then I burst into tears of confusion and panic! It’s been another whirlwind of worry and excitement since then which I will write about in my next post.
So to conclude, yes I am delighted now to announce that on my 11th cycle of TTC it finally happened and I am officially pregnant! I wholeheartedly believed I would be writing many more posts about my disappointment and frustration of negative months when I started this blog but now it really has happened. I don’t know why it took us as long as it did but I really do believe that God gives us what we need in time. Maybe all the people who say relax and it will happen (annoying as they are!) really were right?! I stopped thinking about it, I gave up, I made peace with the situation, and low and behold maybe when the time was just right I got what I needed!