Mother Nature – A Cruel Joke

Last month left me confused and emotionally drained. I felt like I had begun to chill out about the whole thing and had accepted it is obviously going to take me longer to conceive and I was ok with it. Then I had the weird late period/possible very early days miscarriage and suddenly I was an emotional wreck! I cried so much not because I really felt like I’d lost anything but just out of sheer frustration and being totally fed up with the whole situation. I really can be quite a stubborn person at time and this is getting so tiring just trying trying trying and nothing ever happening, I am getting back to a point where I feel like I don’t want to try any more. I don’t want to think about it any more, sometimes Its just too overwhelming and if I cant have a baby then maybe I’ll just take back control and decide not to have one.  Ultimately I can’t go through with that though, the thoughts run through my mind what if I took a break from TTC but then that could have been my month?

This month I didn’t use any kits/charting, I just decided to get on with it when I felt like it. I made sure we did it frequently but I just did it as and when I felt in the mood without stressing over my calendar. It felt good and I hardly looked at my calendar this month. I began to convince myself more and more that I wasn’t ready yet anyway. I convinced myself I had other things to get on with and a baby could wait anyway. I threw myself into my job (Teaching). I applied and got an interview for an additional role with my local Teaching Alliance as a Specialist Leader in Education and was successful! I also applied to move onto the upper pay scale this month carefully putting together an evidence portfolio. I joined up to a 90 day fitness and eating challenge and I’ve lost 6lbs in 3 weeks! I’ve upped my gym routine pushing myself harder and training 5 instead of 3 times a week. I did everything I could to shift my focus.

I realised last week that my period was due but I didn’t give it too much thought. The days ticked by and my period never came. So now I’m thinking…wait a minute! Maybe it worked! I’ve been inundated with ‘helpful advice’ about how it will happen when you stop trying and just don’t think about it and it will happen (and to be honest never really found that much comfort!) but now I’m thinking WOW I’m actually a few days late maybe it actually worked. I didn’t want to tempt fate so I didn’t rush out to POAS (Pee on a stick!). I just kept it in the back of my mind. Yesterday I checked my calendar and realised I was 6 days late! 

I remembered I had a Pregnancy Test in the cupboard and decided to give it ago. My husband wasn’t home but I felt like I knew it would say negative they always do anyway. I’d just got in from work so it wasn’t my first morning urine like they say is best but being 6 days late I thought surely if I am it will just say whenever I do it by now. So I did the test then jumped in the showed to freshen up and pass the 3 minute wait. On getting out of the shower I pick up the test and low and behold there is a faint SECOND LINE!!!!! 

I start shaking, I think I actually said out loud ‘Oh my God I’m actually pregnant!’ I run to get my phone whilst still staring at the test and rang Mr B (the Husband) I explain to him what’s happened and I can hear he is shocked but over the moon! Then after 5 mins of chatting about it I say ‘Wait its fading away. The second line its fading really quickly. I can’t see it any more.’  What the hell just happened?! Now I’m confused, it doesn’t say anything about this in the instructions! In my head I’m saying to myself it doesn’t matter – it was positive and I am 6 days late and on top of that I didn’t have any symptoms that made me feel like I was going to get my period -so it all adds up to being pregnant. None-the-less I begin to feel sceptical. Mr B says not to worry, we will get another test, a proper clear blue digital and do it again in the morning. I can hear he’s still super excited and not phased at all. I on the other hand am getting all too used to the disappointment and my heart is already sinking.

I ring my Mum next and explain what has happened. She thinks it all adds up to being pregnant too but says a new test in the morning will confirm for sure. So I walk to the shops to get a test ready for the next day. Clear Blue Digital is not cheap nearly £16 for 2 but on this occasion its worth it! However this is how Mother Nature is CRUEL!!

I’m walking home from the shop trying to keep calm, trying not to get my hopes up but actually I’m already picturing my baby, being a Mum and Dad, thinking of names, mentally decorating the nursery…then I feel something…I’m wet down there something is happening. I rush home and get to the toilet and wipe and there is a little bit of blood. I don’t want to believe it, I’m doing everything I can to convince myself its still OK. I’m Googling it (standard!). ‘A little bit of spotting is very common in early pregnancy especially around the time your period would have been due’.   Now I know its one of my last wee’s of the day (its about 9pm now) but I’m doing the new test anyway! I am willing it to say ‘Pregnant’ but 3 minutes later I get a crushing ‘Not Pregant’ 😦  

When you are trying for a baby, I have learnt you will go to extreme lengths to find evidence you are pregnant despite clear evidence you are not. I start mentally writing a list of evidence for and against. I Google the sensitivity of the Clear Blue Digital compared to the Asda one I got the brief positive on. I try to convince myself its now just negative because its not as sensitive and its my last wee of the day so it will probably pick it up in the morning. I go to bed and try not to think about it. The sooner the morning comes, the sooner I can do the second and my last test and confirm I am actually pregnant and we will all be laughing about this in months to come!

5AM I wake up in pain and BOOM! I’ve got my period. What a bloody surprise. Not. Now to be quite honest I’m just royally p****d off!

What the hell is going on here!? Why did the first test show a second line!? There was quite clearly a second line I know I wasn’t seeing things! Why on earth am I 6 days late!? Why on earth have I not had my usual pre menstrual symptoms?! Why? Why? Why?!!!!

I can’t even cry. I have no tears left after 10 months of this I have nothing left to cry about. I’ve been through this 10 times already, crying wont make me feel better.  I just have this irritating feeling, its almost laughable, this is just like some kind of sick joke. I can’t stop thinking about that second line. It was faint but it was there! I waited 3 minutes and there is was. I’ll never know now how or why that happened or why I was 6 days late.  All I do know is that every month is going to get a whole lot more expensive now if I want to test because I am only going to use digital no more line tests for me! 

If you are going to try for a baby, one thing you do need to know is that its expensive! I’ve so far spent money on:

Fertility calendar apps, Basal Body Temp Thermometer, Ovulation Prediction Kits, Pregnancy Tests, Pre-Conception Vitamins for Him and Her and fertility lubricant! None of this stuff is particularly cheap! and for me none of it is working! 

So what more can I say? Another month bites the dust and so it continues…