I found this on the net when I was looking for support and it was the first thing I read that truly described exactly how I was feeling at the time and made me realise there is support out there if you want it and that I am going to be ok 🙂 Hope it helps others who need it xxx
This month things got tough.
I was quite pleased with myself that I really hadn’t felt too upset or worried about it this month and felt that I had begun to accept that it’s just going to take us a bit longer than some other couples.
Last Monday I knew that AF was due and waited all day for the signs of her arrival but nothing. (Now comes the more gory bodily info stop reading if you really don’t want to know!)
After school I got home and went to the loo and and there was a small amount of blood, not like what I normally have but I assumed AF had come, I used the necessary sanitary protection and carried on and took the dog for a walk. Whilst out walking the dog I had an accident. I got ‘attacked’ by a very large boisterous out of control dog that quite literally took my legs out whilst chasing my poor little doggy and knocked me clean over. I banged my head on the floor and when I came to a little I realised I had a serious injury to my knee – I was in agony. Not to go over the whole thing too much but needless to say I was very shaken up by the time I got home and it took me several hours to calm down and for the pain to subside. Later that night when I went to bed I went to change my sanitary protection but it was completely clean. I thought this was a bit weird but assumed I would come on properly over night. However over night and the whole of the next day I had nothing at all and no cramps or feelings like I was going to either. This made me 2 days late if you discount the small amount of blood on Monday.
Wednesday morning I woke up at 4am in a hell of a lot of pain and feeling very sick and dizzy. My pelvis and back was hurting so much it was making me quite short of breath and then I had the weird sensation of needing to ‘push’. I went to the loo expecting there to be loads of blood but still nothing. After 15 minutes of just sitting there I felt something slip out of me and then the pain subsided. That turned out to be 2 very large blot clots. Then I continued to feel sick and dizzy for the rest of the day and only had a very small amount of on and off bleeding for the next week. As everyone surely does I started Googling the symptoms and everything I read suggested a very early miscarriage. After speaking with Mum she suggested a Dr’s appointment to talk it over. The Dr confirmed it was definitely possible that is what had happened and could well have been related to the shock of the accident with the dog! Sodding brilliant! You can imagine how that made me feel! On the other hand it might not have been, could have just been a weird occurrence, no way to tell for sure.
Once this sunk in I became an emotional wreck. I talked things through with the Doctor who started talking about 3 more months of trying and then needing to come back with Mr B for tests etc etc. In my head I was thinking it was a good thing if I was briefly pregnant as maybe that means I can conceive but if that was the case then I was so flipping angry about the stupid dog. If I wasn’t pregnant however then that just confirms I still can’t conceive and I really don’t know which is worse. In all honestly this in the month that I realised this journey is just so damn hard and feels very very lonely and very scary when thinking about the future. It’s out of your control, out of your hands and no one knows what the outcomes are going to be at any stage in the journey and what the future holds. All you can do in hang on in there and keep on trying.
This month I needed the most emotional support but there is little that anyone can say or do to comfort you. Everybody says ‘relax it will happen don’t worry about it’ all this does is make me so bloody angry! I know they are my dearest friends and family but seriously what do they know about how it feels with their perfect children and getting pregnant just as soon as their partner looked at them! What can they say that will help me or give me the answers to my questions or help me to do the one thing I now know I want more than anything in the whole world – to be a Mum.
I know that 8 months in the grand scheme of things is not that long, I know there are plenty of women out there who are desperate to be amazing mothers and have been trying for years, but that doesn’t take anything away from the pain each woman TTC feels when she gets her period after another month of thankless trying. I needed something to focus on and pour my heart into when times are tough and also when times are good and so here I am creating my own emotional support mechanism. For anyone who ever reads this and is going through the same thing whether its been 1 month or several years I wish you all the luck and ‘baby dust’ in the world and I want you to know I do know a little of how it feels for you and we are all in this together xxx
Mr B and I always knew from day 1 we wanted to have a family together. We both have our own wonderful and crazy families that we grew up with and last year we decided the time was right for us to start one of our own. We had thought about it since the day we got engaged but with our sensible heads on we always had one reason or another why we should wait. We needed to be at a secure point with our finances. We needed to have reached a certain level in our careers. We needed the house to be the ‘perfect family home’. We got a dog to take our mind off the want for a baby. We needed to do a few more holidays etc etc all very selfish stuff!
But then…last September we decided – Sod it!- Lets just do it!
I can honestly say I was so nervous I felt sick from the very first unprotected rendez vous! I knew I wanted to be a Mum 100% but was this the right time? I was so nervous I had convinced myself I was definitely pregnant and I just had to get on with it anyway! From the minute your period starts as a girl you are told by all female family members, friends and educators that ‘It only takes 1 time’! So here I am believing that its a dead cert I am going to be pregnant for sure! However, Month 1, AF (Aunt flow) arrived and I couldn’t make up my mind if I was relieved or disappointed. At this point however I wasn’t giving it too much thought either way and so we carried on business as usual!
Month 2 and 3 we carried on feeling like we were living dangerously every time we ‘did the deed’ and each time AF arrived I think I slowly began to let the thought creep into my mind…’Hhmm they lied to me! It does not just take 1 time! Why hasn’t it happened yet? What’s wrong?’ However I was determined not to become one of those ‘Wannabe Mum’s’ who starts obsessing over ovulation dates and temperature charting and vitamin taking. I wanted to believe in the good old just don’t stress about it too much and it will happen for sure!
So Christmas came and as it is the season to be jolly we definitely upped our game and I felt for sure we had hit the nail on the head this time! I knew it was going to be just perfect. A baby conceived on Christmas day (in the morning to be precise!) I was totally relaxed, feeling good and enjoyed a perfect Christmas with our families my head full of the thought of the next Christmas when there would surely be a new addition to the family 🙂 *feeling dreamy*
Well as you can imagine that did NOT happen! So now after 4 months and no joy I decide I am 100% a ‘Wannabe Mum’ and I don’t care who bloody knows it! I declare to Mr B I want a Basal Body Thermometer, I need an Ovulation Prediction Kit, I stock up on pre-conception vitamins (3 for 2 in Boots!) and download a fertility calendar app and book about conception on my Kindle. We are both going to up our games with regards to frequency, timing, exercise and diet and we are damn well going to get this sorted out how hard can it be?!
Well that is how the next 3 months went. I believe that in a Pub quiz I may possibly now know more about fertility and the female monthly cycle than your average Doctor, I have successfully confirmed that I am very regular, I do ovulate and that we could not physically do the deed any more perfectly timed than if I actually had a visible body clock attached to my ovaries! Yet still all I have to show for it is one very lonely empty tummy! 😦
After all of this I decide there is no more I can do and I know enough, so we drop all the tests and charts and go back to just high frequency and trying fun ways to keep it light hearted and ‘normal’. The next month things were a little different. Read on to my next post for the events of Month 8 of TTC.